Why Confidence Coaching?

I was one of the smartest, hardest working, nicest guys you’d ever hope to meet. But none of that mattered; I lost everything — marriage, career, health — because I didn’t believe my needs mattered.

Confronting my low self-esteem was painful, but it led me to a new place of confidence and power. I’m still smart, hard working and nice, but my now I’m in control of meeting my needs. I determine my own self worth. And it feels INCREDIBLE.

Now I help men rebuild confidence from the inside out — and live lives they’re proud of.

My Story

In the span of a few months, three major events rocked my world, and my sense of self:

  • I was terminated from the job I had expected to work the rest of my life

  • I began navigating a divorce

  • I tore my achilles tendon

In the blink of an eye, three pillars of my identity were taken from me. I no longer knew who I was, what value I offered the world, or what I wanted from life.

To keep the depression at bay I dove into the distraction of a Master’s degree abroad. This gave my life a sense of purpose for ~1 year and, as I would later come to realize, perpetuated a lifelong pattern of pursuing achievements to fill a void inside of me.

Awareness

Despite my skills, leadership experience and the results I’d helped friends achieve, I avoided picking up the phone to create clients. With the help of my own coach I began to examine this resistance and was horrified by what I found: that void inside of me, the one I fill with achievements, is where my self-esteem was supposed to sit. I didn’t see worth in my services, I felt fear of bothering/inconveniencing strangers, I felt afraid of failing publicly.

I’d never felt more ashamed. How could I coach others effectively if I didn’t believe in my own worth? If I wasn’t willing to stick up for my own needs and wants?

I began to notice how low self esteem showed up in all areas of my life:

  • I spoke softly and quickly so I don’t bother anybody or take up too much of their time

  • I never resumed shaking hands after COVID for fear of making somebody uncomfortable

  • I had always seen the patience I have for others was a virtue, but began to see that this was also emblematic of failure to establish boundaries and express my needs

Reflection + Action

Once I began to see these patterns that related to my self-esteem, I began to understand why my life had fallen apart:

  • I had always seen myself as a truthful person. But I hid many of my wants and needs from my ex-wife, I didn’t want to risk making her feel uncomfortable

  • I spent my time at work serving others so that they would like me

  • My lack of confidence kept me disconnected from my instincts, I sought advice from others to make decisions

Disgusted with myself, but driven to change, I designed a series of challenges which would push me out of my comfort zone in small, progressive ways.

  • I began speaking with a stranger every day, asking a question that interested me, “what’s your favorite sport?”

  • I learned how confident people accept compliments and began modeling this

  • I began asking for things I wanted, starting with things as simple as, “could I have some extra ketchup?”

Talking to strangers was the most impactful experiment. I knew people would dislike being bothered and that they would look to escape my conversation, except, that’s not what happened. They always smiled, and nobody has refused a handshake.

My New Self

As these experiments escalated, and the results continued to be so positive, I found more worth in myself and in my needs/wants. I’ve been able to strike up conversations with beautiful women who would’ve been far too intimidating to my former self. I’ve been able to approach cold calling with a steadier voice, and manage objections with surprising assertiveness. This has led to returning clients as well as speaking engagements at leadership & entrepreneurship conferences.

I recently posted a Linkedin video which earned some critical feedback from a close friend. My younger self, relying on praise to buoy my confidence, would have been crushed by a message like this. But that didn’t happen this time. My video was no longer tied to my personal value, it was just an experiment. I know I’m a great coach, I care deeply for others, and I have access to the resilience and determination to recover from challenging times. For the first time in my life I have access to the confidence and power to create anything I want.

My care for others is why I share my story. As my world crumbled, I felt alone. I didn’t know anybody else who had ever been terminated, or divorced. I certainly didn’t know anybody who could guide me to find what I want from life.

After 38 years I’ve finally found my calling: serving others in finding their confidence and a sense of limitless potential.